I have been having the most unsettling dreams. The real, vivid dreams. The ones you actually cry during, or cry after you wake up, either from being scared or from being so terribly sad.
I have been dreaming about strange weather occurrences. I have been dreaming about different transportation issues.
I have been dreaming the most about my Grandma Minetta. It has been just over 2 years since she passed away. I see her house, the paintings on the wall. I feel as if it's almost like she is haunting me. I feel sad that she is no longer living. I remember the day she died, I was so angry at her for dieing. I can still remember what I was doing when my Dad called to tell me. I was in complete shock because I had just seen her the day before and she seemed fine. I am extremely sad that some strange family now own my grandparents house. I seriously can't imagine never getting to go inside again, or even the fact that my grandparents are both gone. I remember one of my cousins' wives telling me that they took pictures of the inside of their grandparents house so that they would remember. I did that. I wandered about the house, taking pictures of rooms that had yet to be cleaned out. Pictures of hundred of cookbooks, rows and rows of mason jars full of preserved food, pictures of paintings, the wall of grandkid pictures, I even took a picture of the pony wall going up the stairs that had been rubbed smooth from decades of hands brushing against it.
So why all these crazy dreams, mingled with memories? Maybe it's anger that I will never be in a room again and hear my name and both of us respond at the same time again. Maybe I am sad with regret that I didn't take enough time in this life to spend more time as an adult with her. Maybe it's frustration that I loved and hated her fiercely. Maybe it's true frustration that when I look at my chubby face I see her staring back at me..I got her name and her stupid body type.
Maybe I just needed a good cry and thinking about her does that for me still.
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